leelohm

Back on desipramine. Speinding most of my time on facebook. Follow me there{ Clay Cross

The subjects respond badly to negative stimuli, seek positive stimuli, and are somewhat unpredictable with neutral stimuli. 1,0, and Maybe. The problem seems that most are locked in a reactive cycle of causality. This event occured, therefor I act in this manner. This person is this way therefor I feel thusly about them. The mind works in symbols. Words are faulty translations of those symbols. We've grown very used to thinking in words. That in and of itself fuddles the nature of actual thought.
So how to break these carnal chains of programmed causality? Some of it is hardwired into a neural pathways. Neurons bend and change. They are plastic. Yet there must be some sort of rigidity of structure or we would all be in more personality flux than we are. Simple changes in diet or ingestion of small ammounts of pharmaceuticals can change the nature of a person. Cause: Effect.
The genius who tears himself away from the world to better understand it and thus himself is either called a monk, a hermit, or a madman. Positive stimulus... sex, money, power, fame. It never seemed like chasing ghosts after the teenage years passed. A sort of limbo replaced it. Watching, waiting, wondering. The traditional American model of achieving money, power, and fame is flawwed. One does not have to do so at the expense of others. That same carnal causality cycle. Can't all of these things be bought with a single song? That seems rather a cheap thing to slave one's life away to achieve. Something that some have literally bought with a single song, a bit of prose, some doggerel rhyme.
What causes it to happen? Nothing. Maybe. That thing in betweem the ones and the zeros if logical thought. There are just too many 'maybe's for humans to be logical creatures. Too many dashes live in the space between those ones and zeros. So what if a song reminds you of how human you are. What if a bit of prose pulls you out of day to day life. What if a doggerel makes you feel for one moment as if you've spent ten years on the side of a mountain in Bhutan contemplating the mists in the vallies below?
Therein lies true power.
John Lennon said that its an artist's job to reflect mankind. Not to tell it what to do. Maybe you'll find your maybes.

I'm doing fine.
New meds.
I, of course, have to try a beer or two with them.
I think I felt better before.
I lot better.
We'll have to experiment.

What if you were supposed to be happy eighty percent of the time?
That's what they tell me.
Or not happy 'Content' which passes as synonymous for me.

What if you were supposed to be content eighty percnt of the time?

What is making you not content?
How can you change it?

The economy is closing like a speeding lightening bug on crack who just had a tachy fit.
What will you do when that light wanes?

Hmm.

Maid services? Everyone needs their damn house cleaned.

Bars? Its the Great Depression Part Two... everyone needs a wet whisle.

Windmill Guy: Yeah we're gonna be setting those suckersup. Who the hell does that anyway? I would ask Cheney and Haliburton but they are unreliable.

Guy with the new pasta sauce "Mama mia... if they like-a it? Invest-a in it!

Plant a tree in your yard and say 'JEsus Mohammed and Bhudda, if you don't produce something in ten years I'll cut you down!" Then plant a new tree. The old one will have hard feelings for a while until you rell it the Smashing Pumpkins said so. Ratin a cage works. Trees hate that.

Nobody gets my humor.

Forty four weeks? Man, I've been tweeting and facebooking and generally being a geek. Not doing well at it either. So What's happened?
Short of it? Had my gall bladder out. The infection before removal could have killed me (On and three chance)
Since gall bladder removal I've found out that there are -zero- studies on the effects of general anasthaesia and its effects on smart people, people on psychoactives, people who like steaks... nothing!
I also found out most general anasthaetics are fat soluble as are most psychoactives.

Results? I used to kid about calling exes in the middle of the night and not remembering. Now I call friends and don't remember. Drive over to their houses. HAce coeherent dscussions that bleed into incoherencies. Head home. Don't remember.

Or the always fun 'How the fuck did I get here!?' where I am doing something apparently normal and then my thought process catches up. Don't remember point A to point B.

Talked to my Psychiatrist for the first time in -years-. She too has had a recent surgery and the general anasthaesia has had unexpected effects on her. She's now the Director of God Knows How Many Things and is in a position to study the effects. Yay.
She also gave me the number of the supervisor's supervisor of the guy who said the infection that nearly killed me was just my GERD (In spite of me saying four times 'I've had this problem before I need antibiotics') And I have the number of -that- supervisor's supervisor as well. So Monday? No need to talk about litigation. Just need to talk to these people and say 'ASshole jerk nearly killed me and now I owe the hospital 26k -after- insurance. $10 of antibiotics would have cured me when I went to the doctor and asshole jerk was the only bastard there. I mean I wish it was someone like Gregory House. He would have at least givn me antibiotics while insulting me. This jack off told me four times he would not give me antibiotics for GERD while I insisted 'Look... I've had this problem before. Look at my file" and he looked up my file and says 'Take more Nexium' and I pointed out 'UM You're looking at my file? I'm not on Nexium. I'm on Prevacid." .... "Oh yes... take more of that."

Thus proving that fifty percent of all doctors graduated in the lowest half of their class. Oh yeah... and had a one in three chance of killing me. Some people might cheer. Some.

Now instead of suing his ass for malpractice I can talk to his supervisor. And his supervisor's supervisor. And the supervisor in charge of Carelink as a whole. Thank you Dr. Milam. I fricking hate attornies more than I dislike doctors. If I can get them to obliterate my debt and pour an ass whooping on that negligent son of a bitch? Happy happy joy joy and pass the damn wasabi.

Oh I can't eat much fat anymore. My gall bladder was removed. Now she has to change out my psych meds because they are fat soluble and the general anasthaesia is fat soluble. There havent been -any- studies on general anaesthasia and psychoactive drugs... or GA and smart people. That's retarded.

On the up side? I feel like I've lost twenty IQ poins but that may go away with the adjustments in medication and time after General anasthaesia. Just wish I had a form that said 'We're sorry. After the proceedure you will not be able to connect facts for six months to a year.'

Que sera.

Obama has been nailing McCain in speeches in South Dakota. He has been criticizing McCain for initially opposing Bush Economic Policy and now embracing it wholeheartedly. One of McCain's donors said 'We should go nuclear and drill everywhere we can' and McCain responded 'You just wrote my first speech.' While Obama has said he will not rule out nuclear ernergy but is making a heavy push away from gasoline.
Obama has numerous programs he plans on stimulating the economy with including taking away the Bush tax breaks for the wealthy and large corporations as well as winding down the war in Iraq. He criticized McCain and Bush for the skyrocketing gas prices and not putting an end to policies that allow oil companies to continue making record breaking profits while the rest of America is deep in debt with a real-estate market that's crashing as well as a falling dollar and to add insult to injury the price of gas is up to $4 a gallon. McCain fired back saying he'd remove the Federal Tax from gas which would result in a lowering of gas prices by 18 cents and diesel by almost 25 cents. Obama referred to that as a gimmik. I agree.

The problem is I feel the oil companies based in America are entirely unpatriotic. They regulate their gas prices against imported gasoline since America only has the ability to refine about 40% of its own gasoline. So Exxon and Valero can afford to selll gas at $2 a gallon and still make huge profits while undercutting the $4 imported gas. Instead they choose to raise their prioe to the foreign level and make out like what they actually, literally are: Highway robbers.

One would note the new slang pervading speech with rapidity. There is no more bad hair day; there are 'bad fuel days' which are the days you feel sour and out of sorts after spending $70 to fill your tank.

Gone are the days of the 'gas pedal' it is now being referred to as the 'Cash Pedal' because the more you hit that thing the more you pay.

Anyway. I'm not very fired up about it. Being legally blind and on tranquilizers give one perspective. I think I'll take my refund check and buy a used Vespa or maybe a bicycle.

Funny me not being fired up about it. I was one of Obama's delegates for San Antonio as well as Bexar County. I'm actually kind of giggling because I said all this would happen four years ago. Yay tranquilizers!

He told me over a year ago that everything didn't have to taste exotic. That people just wabted American food.

The fool.

I will continue to experiment with fusion. I have never been happier.

Watching the finale of Lost was like two hour sex without the sweat. I rnjoyed it a lot. I wonder if they're going to do another season. I feel sure they will.

Saw a documentary about Minsk. It was creepy. Its the only dictatorship left in Europe. What was creepy about it wasn't the social crackdown on music and everything that could possibly be construed as anti government or the stories of the artists who'd ben banned or imprisoned. What was fucking eerie was seeing four lane highways in the middle of the day devoid of traffic. Nothing. None. They're right by the autobahn and Germany and nobody is driving a single car at noon. Fuckin creepy. There's simply no people.

What else? Ive learned a lot about FDR and Truman. Insomnia and PBS you know.

Waiting for Fallout 3. That's gonna be a bad ass game.

Playing Indigo Prophecy but found a bug. Can't progress.

BAck to Wow after ten months. I was amazed at what sort of impact I've had on people's lives and how much they missed me. Its kinda cool.

Anyway. I'm gonna wander off now. Maybe one more beer and its time for sleep.

I haven't posted in a while. I don't even remember what I posted last. Likely I was bitching baout something. With the advent of tranquilizers that work I can now ponder things that don't seem of immediate import and actually like studying the America of Yesteryear. What people called the Golden Years or the Great Generation of America. Those people who'd grown up in the same years we have except there was a 19 tacked to the front of it and not a 20.
I look at wars and rationing and solutions to wars and rationing. There is no reationing in place but the gas prices alone are enouhg to cry about... but there are fair practice laws on the books that say domestic gas refiners have to charge the same as foreign gas refiners. There are taxxes on the gas that have not eased up. In geberal there is an inability for the US governemt to -say- we have an oikl based economy and take measures to change it. 50 mpg by 2012? Too little too late.

Apparently there is a device that can be installed in a car that will allow it to use hydrogen and gas tech. I need to look more into it.

But, as money declines and we slide into depression/recession/whatever they feel like calling it. Realize what means the most to you. Think about your family and friends. Its sometmes a chore to keep them close. Bu those people at work never seem as worth it? Does that make any sense?

I donno.

Keep your chins up. We'll weather the second Great Depression as gas pprices and everything connected to the rises. When we come out it will be like the 40s and 50s all over again. Except with much higher hemlines ;)

Happy.

Dostoyevsky once wrote a short story. I think it was called 'Secrets in the Underground' or I may be thinking of somehting else entirely. Anyway, old Dostoyevsky's main character posed the thought 'What happens to a man when he realizes he is truly wretched'. The character goes on about how he realized he was wretched and couldn't change so got a ogvernment job and made people feel miserable because he was wretched.

With me the question isn't 'What does a man do when he realizes he is wretched'. My question is 'What does a man do when he realizes his own uselssness?' What dos he do. What do I do? I fix computers. I have no job. When I do have a job it is somehting nobody wants to do for themselves because computers piss people off and they want to get back to masturbating to old nudes of Pamela Anderson that they thought they hid well enough for me not to find. Nothing is ever hidden that well. Or get back to their IMing or do a little power point draft so that when they return to the auto plant they work for they can get busy circulating bits of paper around the office so that next year there's a better car with fewer emissions that uses less gas that we can sit in our driveway when we're not inside of it screaming like banshees at the other drivers because they almost caused this years model to combust in a shriek of metal.

So I'm going to go to school. The state is paying it. I have problems. Twice now I've had school lined up and ready to go and a room mate kicked me out and I had to find a new job. Only this time I haven't found a new job and I just let registration pass me by.

My new major has a good deal to do with writing. I think that by writing perhaps I can find something people identify with or maybe have them identify with me. It is sort of funny, though, the thought of me, the soon to be blind writer. I can still fix Vista for you as well and likely will always be familiar with computer problems. I, however, recognize it forthe useless skill it is. Even were it to shower me with money I'd have no time to be happy. Ergo a useless skill. If something doesn't make you happy? It is useless. Perhaps that's a hard philosophy to have, but its true. The only things that have intrinsic value are things that make you feel. Otherwise you're just walking through life never knowing if the sky was grey or blue today.

So find something that makes you happy and do it. Maybe that's why every computer I've worked on has had porn on it somewhere. Maybe porn makes people happy or horny and therefor has legitimate value. Some people gte pissed off about porn. I think it is because they secretly suspect other people are having a better time than they. They are correct.

Twp years ago the Himalaya nation of Bhutan decided it would no longer use the 'Gross Domestic Product' system to determine how well their country was doing. They divised extensives polls and suggestion boxxes and such and started calculating the populations 'Gross Domestic Happiness' and how the government could help the citizens be more happy. So there was an oincrease in prayer wheels and some imported shaggt overcoats and overall they are happy. I think the Bhutanese have it right.

I just saw Dancer in the Dark and am going to bed.
I think this is one of the best movies I've ever seen in spite it being a musical. It doesn't feel like a musical. The juxtaposition of the tragedy that's actually happening and the musical in her mind is breathtaking and shattering.

A true tragedy.
But its never the last song unless we let it be.

Has anyone else noticed how in that Geico commercial Charro's breast seem to defy gravity even though she's around sixty?

I just thought it was amusing.

Qualified for TANF> Have my Lone Start card today. Went and bought groceries. My belly is more full than it has been in a while. I'm supposed to check with The Division for the Elderly and Disabled and see if I qualify for the card because of my vision. Then I can keep it even with a decent job. Since the Division for Blind services is under the Texas Dept of Health and Human Services and Division for the Elderly and Disabled are under the smae structure, the chance that their criteria is the same as DBS's is very likely. So that will be a godsend insofar as when I'm going to school my food would be paid for as well as my books. SoI'd be working a job for rent and bills. Significantly less hours which will allow me to pull more school hours. We are a definite 'go' for NorthEast Lake College in the Spring. Billy Mondragoon showed me some apartments right down the street from Wesst that run fromm $300 to $400 a month. So if I can find one in that range in UC I'll be sitting pretty for the first two years of college. Whee.

Some good news with the bad news ;)

Tooth extraction was yesterday. Spent most of my day at the hospital. The putpatient pharmacy sucked more than usual and all of my lidocaine wore off before they got my pain meds to me. They said they'd rush it. I saw people who came in after me getting their drugs. I started to get irritated. They kept saying 'twenty more minutes' then 'fifteen minutes' when I came to them thirty minutes later. I finally had to pester one of the actual pharmacists and he finnaly went and got me my monumental prescription of twenty fricking pills.

Its better today. The vicodin combined with tranqulizers is 'interesting'. I drank almost no beer last night and fell asleep early.

I was 'icked' the other day because my mother is with an abusive boyfriend and she and the family have been butting heads. I got drawn into the whole thing because she threatened to commit suicide over not getting back an antique sewing machine she had gifted to my ister-in-law. So we got a couple CIT cops (Crisis Intervention Training) and they assessed her. I should have taken charge fo the situation and it would have gone better. But I didn't so my bad. Even before the CIT guys showed up she broke down in tears because she couldn't remember what she did -that entire day-. When I told her we were worried about her I grasped her shoulder. It felt like something from Bergen Beltzen or Dachau. Like zero fat. This guy she is with insists she is thin and she's gone down to around a hundred pounds. She's 5'7" so that is acicular. I called her cell three times. SHe finally called back two days ago. I havent talked to her yet though.

I think I started saying 'Fuck you' to the world around 10 pm.

So. Whatever.

Nobody gives a shit anyway.

I guess a friend really isn't a friend until you can call them up at 3 am and the first thing they do is ask you if you're ok.

I've done BAC studies that indicate on an average night I hover just below legally drunk until four am where my BAC peaks and I go to sleep. People ask me: Well if you aren't getting drunk? Why are you drinking?
Well, there are several answers. First, I like the way beer tastes... especially the beers that I drink which are incredibly bitter. You can't find that bitterness outside of extremely expensive Asian cuisine where they like to juxtapose bitter and salty or bitter and sweet or bitter and sour. Second, my psychiatrist indicates I don't have an addictive personality. So look mah, no withdrawals. No DTs. I don't get hangovers except after parties (And I sedom go to parties. Third, my mind moves fast. Even being on constant tranquilizers it moves fast. I've noticed my hand eye reflexes have gone down but eye to mind has not. Speed of thought has not, merely physical reaction to it. (Mind you I'm a hard core gamer so this change in reflexes wouldn't even be noticed in a normal person and I'm learning to work with it by using the old SNES shoot em ups and getting back up to speed. With my emulater I can half the speed of the game, then go to normal, then double it.

But the main reason lies in this third reason. Just that trace ammount of not-even-legally-drunk buzz is enough to slow my mind down. Complete sobriety is a keen sort of hell. The shoot em ups I have a hard time playing right now because I get overloaded. Yet if I don't do several things at the same time I get achingly bored. Like mind numbingly you couldn't conceive of it bored.

Right now I'm writing this, watching the rerun of the Cane movie, planning a background for a BBgame l5r clan head, and scheduling next week in my head.

After this I'll playa video game and watch TV at te same time and it still won't be enough. I'll be bored. Trying to go to sleep is the worst. I sort of have to inindate myself in the images while not actively engaging them in order to fall asleep. Examplia Gratia: Random images ranging from the day,the week, fictitious bits, half dreams, things that I've read, things that I've seen, concepts, theorums, the world.... images like some brainwash video rapidly flash when I close my eyes. If I start thinking about them? I don't sleep. It canbe a mean trick not to think about them. As I come out of REM sleep there's the images as well. If I'mnot careful I pop right out of sleep and have to go through it all over again to go back to sleep.

So anyway. I let myself go because Joy had a $150 job for me which would have lasted me until I got my first paycheck... but it fell through. So now? I get to be completely sober. Joy.

I've -almost- finished with all of my various appointments and can seriously look into work. Unfortunately that means that the last of my paycheck has dissipated into the lands of gas and beer.
Just been playing old video games on the Super Nintendo emulator. Played Chrono Trigger for a few hours after -finally- getting the prelims done with the TExas Department of HEalth and Human Services. I'm being directed to another department within the TDH&H to see if my vision qualifies me for disability in their books. VEery agency has a different definition,so there's no telling. If I do? They'll activate medicade and give me a monthly allotment on the Lone Star card for food. Which would mean I could have more time for study when I go back to school.
For any of you who don't have insurance or have shitty insurance and live in San Antonio or Bexar county, look into Carelink. They're sliding scale but I believe even pullin gin 24k a year they pro rate your prescriptions to $10 for each that arent Wal Martable and your doc visits and surgeries etc, are coverrd or they assist in finding coverage for such things. They helped me find a grant for my vasectomy. Incedently if you go to University Hospital and don't qualify for a grant? Vasctomies are only $345 and a few weeks of pain that abates if you just keep your arse parked in a chair and wear a jock strap.
Anyway, Terri still hasn't returned my shit. She just wrote a myspace blog and unfriended me, so likely she's saying somehtng along the lines of 'I'm not giving hin his shit' or whatever. I've gotten used to it. Oh well its her kharma.

I've had this undefinable itch for the past couple weeks. I just stare at the computer screen and want to do something but don't know what. I've finally figured out what it is. I'm sick to death of not being at work. My last job wasnt just a job... I really enjoyed it and I miss going in there every day for however many hours I Wanted and just fixing computers. I never ran out of things to fix and if it was beyond my ability I had tools such as shipping to service and off site virtual repair. So tomorrow I may put on my duds and hit the BEst Buy inthe forum and apply for the GeekSquad then finally hit West. West is a guaranteed hire but they will in short order want me to rise in their ranks. I can't accept a manager job and go to school... but I think I -can- be a trainer around my school schedule and their trainers get paid decently.
Anyway, there's a bored update. I may go back to playing Chrono Trigger.
Too bad I'm not in any shape to play dodgeball... they have this 2nd annual duck and dodgeball tournament. They have two divisions: Pwer Aid and Bud Light. The winning teams in each division get a years supply, each, of the aforementioned substance. I could never drink enough Bud light to get a buzz, but think of the parties I could throw! ;)

Anyway, ciao for niao.

Shamelessly stolen from Maxxtx ;)

What's your Changeling type? Your Result: Darkling   Mysterious, Aloof, Kinda Scary. You embody all that is Darkling. Either you smell of the crypt, you suck out the life with a long, scary finger or you walk around all dopplegangly. Nightmares are what you do best.
Beast
Fairest
Elemental
What's your Changeling type? Take More Quizzes

Unkempt

oil in the hair.

your balls itch

You scratch it smells like cheese

Your eyes burn but you don't wipe em

No telling what is makin those balls itch.

12 inches of mud on D-day
and we're marching toward France
Haven't had a shower in nine days
Our unit would stop for that chance

Broken.

Dead lay on the ground

like rotten fruit

You dont move em or your eyes burn

Or you have up your supper; and tha's worse

12 inches of mud on D-Day
And we're marching toward France
We haven't had a shower in nine days
Our unit would stop for that chance

Fallen

Just a few left

Of hope bereft

But we're on the front lines

Death? We do what we have to do.

12 inches of mud on D-Day
And we're marching toward France
We haven't had a shower in nine days
Our unit would stop for that chance

Its half a pence for a cigarette
and three for a swig of rum
We wait for tomorrw, but it may not come.

So there's

12 inches of mud on D-Day
And we're marching toward France
We haven't had a shower in nine days
Our unit would stop for that chance